I am in a publically performing band called The Trip Up From Mission Viejo. If you have seen this band recently I apologise to you. The band often gets compared to Mogwai, which is odd cause I'm sick to freakin' death of hearing about bloody Mogwai. Its odder because I've never even liked Mogwai. Many of you, especially those of you who live overseas, may also recognise me as the founding father of the genre now known as French Extreme Noise. I was granted the title of King Of French Extreme Noise (K.O.F.E.N for short) shortly after I founded the genre live on French radio, broadcasting direct out of a studio I often used to work in which was situated inside one of the few remaining intact French WW1 bunkers near Verdun. That happened in the early 90's, which are a blur for me and I can't recall the exact year. Its not widely known but I served many years in the navy stationed in France. I can't remember exactly which nation's navy I was serving in, but I think that's irrelevant. The point is I was in France and started French Extreme Noise, and I am now its king. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
Late 1999 I joined the French Foriegn Legion, and during my time in this military outfit I was reminded of my KOFEN work. I will be re-releasing some of the more critically acclaimed work from such releases as:
- 'TOBP:KOFEN: It Takes Nation Of Dozens To Hold Us Back' (T.O.B.P is my normal band name)
- 'Live From Verdun' (features the now famous 'I could take a dump on the microphone and tape it and loop it and you people would still think its art, you bunch of wussy art pricks' tantrum)
-'Field Recordings From The Western Front' (a bootleg: featuring the long winded 'Where the hell did all these mimes come from? Rene, is this your doing?' debate)
- 'Next time you're bitching about how hard life is or how bad your hangover is just remember that if you'd been born a hundred years ago you would have been in the first world war and you would have got your feet blown off by a shell and then you would have had to run on the stumps to get away from a gas attack. So shut your trap, you stupid little shits.' (recorded on Rememberance Day, also takes its name from an onstage tantrum)
-'Fifteen Minute Fisting' (In the old days, due to budget constraints, I used to use an eclectic mix of unemployed circus performers and sailors as backing musicians. The two groups didn't get on all that well, but there was always a lot of sexual tension between them. From this rose the event from which this recording took its name.)
There were a few others, including probably the best loved field recording I ever did which involved an attack by my band of sailors and circus performers on a local drama school, but those remain the property of the French government, and can't, at the current time, be released. Also the recording known simply in both musical and legal circles as 'The tour bus incident', which led to global reforms in tour bus saftey and compulsory escape hatches, can't be re-released because, technically, it belongs to the rock band Sloan.
The re release currently doesn't have a set Australian release date, nor does it currently have a title.
I've been trying to form an ex patriot noise ensemble with some of my old European noise buddies lately. So you can maybe expect some more re releases of TOBP:KOFEN stuff. But more importantly you can expect to see the release of a double album of live recordings by my early 90's punk band, The Screws. Aside from featuring myself, it also features the Spanish noise pioneer most commonly called El Duro Hombre as well as some Polish guy, who I could never really understand all that well anyway. The release might be called something like, 'TOU FENTOUR DES LE NON! NON!'
In France the critics praised my KOFEN work highly. It was, indeed, the only extreme noise from any non communist European nation to ever be nominated for a place in the Eurovision song contest. Didn't win though. Didn't even make the finals.
French critics described KOFEN thusly:
'KOFEN's performance in one of France's largest remaining First World War bunkers was an echoing, rambling wall of noise marked not so much by volume as sheer mass of sound, if that makes sense. Its hard to describe. The performance was routinely punctuated by the TOBP front man pummeling those around him with insults and instruments'.
-The Free French Rockin' Press, 1997
'TOBP:KOFEN, the extreme noise king of France, performed to a packed crowd as part of a live recording for National French Youth Radio in a disused bunker in Verdun. At one point the rumbling of the instruments, played by a miss matched collection of unemployed circus workers and what appeared to be sailors as led by one Ianto Ware, caused an unexploded shell caught in the bunkers' four metre thick concrete roof to explode, showering those below it with debris. Such was the nature of the show that at first the explosion and resulting rumbling and breaking noises were mistaken for part of the band's collective effort. Luckily no one was hurt, and the accident seemed only to increase the enjoyment of those present.'
-Paris Daily News, 1997
'It is with great enthusiasm that the people of France hear of the re-release of the KOFEN tapes by Ianto Ware, best known as the head of T.O.B.P. With any luck this tape will do for Australia what it has done for France.'
-The President of France.
Well. Most of that may or may not be true.
But I will be releasing an extreme noise album, and the language used in the recording is French. Sort of. It isn't English, that's for sure. And there should be a Screws double album available shortly.
Other than that in less than 10 days I will have graduated from uni. What have I learnt at uni? Politics and Art taught me that art sucks, and artists are generally fairly wanky. Every gender studies course I did taught me that for every good mature aged student there's two more who are fruit loops. Modern lit gave me the right to boast about having read Ulysses.
It is also of note that it has now been 10 years since my father died. Given I didn't know him too well on account of him not spending all that much time in my company, its not much of an emotional event. But I think it deserves a mention.